Dummy’s guide on Office meetings

In my professional life (LOL!), I’ve been part of so many Strategic- eye opening – soul stirring-Costly biscuits meetings as a Minutes writer. So, with a certain sense of righteousness on knowledge of the subject, let me share with you few deep insights on bourbon biscuits meetings.

After convening a meeting and finishing a couple of Good Day packs, I realized that most of the meetings summarized under three main themes as under.

1. LOL-You-Suck meeting: One guy knows what the problem is and what the required solution is. But anyway he will call everyone for a meeting and request suggestions. After which, he calmly asks them to take a seat, laughs at them, proves why they are wrong and implement the originally thought out solution.

2. That-Awkward-Meeting: One team of dudes meets together. Critically discuss on the subject matter. Arrive at the most optimistic solution and agree on a course of action. Never makes eye contact with the participants for next 3 months.

3. He-Only-Did-that -Miss Meeting:  One team has a problem. They meet together and brainstorm to decide on the most appropriate course of action which is – which department is to be blamed for that problem

A typical meeting should be having the following agenda

• Stealing chairs from staffs who left for restroom    9:00  – 9:05
• Wondering about the weather  9:05  – 9:10
• Reading out agenda of the meeting  9:15 – 9:20
• Finding out that 9:10 – 9: 15 is missing in the agenda  slide and related discussion 9:20 – 9:25
• Meeting  9:25-9:35
• Complaints on biscuits quality these days  9:35 – 9:40
• Minutes of previous meeting, when everyone guesses what was the point really about 9:40 – 9:50
• Thanking note and Facebook check in  9:50 -10:00

Do and don’ts:

1. Book the meeting room for a useless meeting 2 months before and fight defense when someone direly require the room for genuine purposes like IRCTC ticket booking or convincing girlfriend about your Facebook status.
2. Fill the slides with texts like houses in Mumbai. While presenting, use the laser pointer like a magic wand. Guide the audience through most useless bullet points and 3D pie diagrams carefully omitting the important parts.
   Pro tip: When some uncomfortable questions pop up, move the laser pointer gently to the biscuits basket. You are welcome.
3. While you are harmlessly playing Temple run and if someone suddenly asks you a question, do not accept the fact that you were not following the meeting. Instead question the questioner on some irrelevant topic and he will repeat his question again with a dog face.
   (OMG Fact : Stupid people don’t even understand how difficult it is to run in a narrow wall when there is a sudden turning followed by a deep valley and a blocking tree branch with a diamond on top. Let the Gorillas prey on them).
4. While presenting, keep your personal photos slideshow as the screensaver and your selfie as wallpaper. Audience will love it. Start explaining where it is taken, how was the weather and what happened that day etc. to whomever shows interest
5. Whenever you initiate to explain your ideas, neatly break them down into 3-4 points and begin like this. “Dude, there are 3 issues here. No 1 – You are so dumb. No 2 – I am dumber than you and i have no bloody idea why I was invited. No 3 – We are doomed.
6. DO NOT ASK THE MINUTER TO SUMMARIZE THE POINTS AT THE END OF THE MEETING YOU RAW COFFEE BEAN EATING, POINTY HAIRED MORON! LET HIM LIVE IN PEACE.

Disclaimer – The above text is based on my acute observations of my neighboring office. My office meetings rock and hi boss! I love you.

In a meeting. Will call you later,
Arun Ram

Picture credit: http://www.transformedblog.com/2012/01/31/how-to-lead-a-meeting/