How I met your mother on matrimony site

One fine day my long lost friend pinged me and was like “Dei! I saw your profile on a Matrimony site! hehe! You are sooo young to get married. My perippa who is 47 years old just got married. My Chithi(37) who got VRS from IOB recently is looking for one!” I replied her saying I am not into it but my parents are forcing me to marry since I look like settled and having no problems. After that, I briefly checked with her about Child Abuse toll free numbers and eligibility.

Actually i was thankful that my father didn’t post an advt. in The Hindu which goes like. “WANTED! Bride from Brahmin educated family, homely, god fearing and cockroach bashing, cultural fit and Fair n lovely kit with good number of selfies urgently!  I nodded to my parents with the sole hope that it will take lot of time to get a girl for me. My usual punch line is ‘Enthiruchu ninna 1.5 kms height da! So finding a girl with approx. 1 km height is tough no?  I strongly believed that I will get married only after Rajini/Kamal stops dancing duets, Shahid Afridi’s final retirement and Vaalu movie release.

She told me that one of her friends is interested in my matrimony profile and checked with her about my personality (lol). I donno why my friend hates me, she told her friend that I am 75 carat gold. I was given her Facebook profile link and Candy Crush game level so that I will get an opinion.

I half-heartedly opened the Facebook profile with mouse pointer almost hovering near close-window button. Then I saw the iPhone of my eyes – Princess Fiona!. I spent the next 1 hour browsing through every picture she has ever uploaded from her childhood. Cute! I audited briefly whether her Profile picture got at least average number of likes and she passed with good margins. I also checked whether she is a member of FB groups like ‘Vijay na mass’, ‘ ‘Power star is cute’, ‘Salman Khan ka banian’ etc and she turned out ok. I immediately called my mother and spoke “friend called. Rajtv la MMKR. One girl. ARR album is out. Semma cute. How is your BP. Check her profile maybe?”

In the next 2 weeks time so many things happened and so many Josiyars got paid. As per the report issued by the Josiyar – Raagu in my 8th kattam and Kethu in her 7th kattam are childhood friends it seems. So they mingle nicely. They put marks for these nowadays. We got eight for ten. That’s the highest ever marks I have got in anything.

At this point, we exchanged our mobile numbers. The next stage of my life is Stare-at-blank-mobile-screen-and-smile-you-won-a-crore Stage. I did many stupid things in this stage like sending her a long “Dummy’s guide on me” mail with usage instructions as if I am an IKEA product to assemble. She sent her Carnatic concert videos which I watched like Christopher Nolan movies pretending like I totally understood. After all these 1. ground –nut roasting 2. mobile charging  3. Blank screen staring and repeating 1-3 for few days, a face-to-face interview was arranged!

My family landed on the venue in a call taxi. All snacks and drinks were kept ready for us. I. met. Her.! We went out and had Chicku milkshake in the nearby Fruitshop. Suddenly all my mokkai talents and cinema references failed. All I managed was staring and religiously slurping of juice. She said she wanted to play a word game. I started sweating already and got reminded of my CA exam days. The game is simple, she said. She will tell a word and I have to reply back with a word that comes to my mind. She has a list of words ready in her phone for this interview! I took my white kerchief out (new one bought for this) and wiped my forehead in frequent intervals. I got reminded of Thiruvilayadal nagesh and shivaji scene.

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She asked life; I replied costing. She asked table, I replied 15% depreciation. She asked government, I replied Macro-Economics. She asked love, I told her that is out of syllabus. From then she started to teach what that word means 😀

Shy is coming,
Arun Ram

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13 things I wish I knew at 13

Aforizm budet

1. Boy! I know you will be shocked, but it finally turned out that video games are just video games and life is the real one.

2. Fight scenes in tamil movies are sooo dumb. Why you have developed so much interest in munda banian arjun fights only I donno. Grow up man! watch “Super Human Samurai”.

3. Viji miss is not the most beautiful lady in this world. And no, you can’t marry her.

4. Start reading books. Otherwise later in your life all your friends / colleagues will put too much scene about books and you ll be like. “Last English movie which I saw is Sholey”

5. Don’t change your interests like watsapp dps. Stick onto one and give your best. (like LinkedIn dp. No one really changes it)

6. Bro! you got lot of time! Stop throwing stones at dogs and start doing something useful for your life like.. collecting batman stickers

7. Comics are awesome. You are also supposed to read the text which comes in boxes it seems.

8. All girls in your class will add you later to their Facebook irrespective of pencil rubber related fights. So don’t worry 😉

9. Studies are overrated. It’s ok to fail in social science and change the world! (by marking maps wrongly).

10. Your teachers don’t hate you personally. They all work for your good. Hema miss is pure evil.

11. Watching cartoons all the time is so dumb. They are just fictitious characters. You have to be more matured like me now to realise that… only Batman can save the Gotham!

12. Stop mixing Complan/ Horlics power with ghee and eating for time pass. You are not going to get ready made shirts in future

13. You are the dumbest guy in the class. But don’t worry, with age you ll grow to be the dumbest anywhere.

*Points and laughs*
Arun Ram

P.S: This post is written on request *coughs and dies* by my awesome sis Bladenomics. You can read other cool lists here

Appo Adhane?

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I sent her one selfie. She said that the photo background looks amazing. Appo Adhane?

I told her ‘shy is coming’. She told ‘ok then I am going. You two guys have fun’. Appo Adhane?

I challenged her with straight face that she will one day fall for me. She said ‘awwww. You are still a child’. Appo Adhane?

When I flirted with her for half an hour, she said I should really complete my homework before tomorrow’s class. Appo Adhane?

Once when I told her that nowadays I couldn’t eat, sleep or work properly; she recommended her family doctor. Appo Adhane?

When I told her my food preferences, she accepted without any inhibition that I have many things in common with her…. dog. Appo Adhane?

When I showed her one of my latest cartoon, she told me my handwriting is really bad. Appo Adhane?

One evening when I asked her out, she told me with care and affection that I should eat and go to bed early so that I can be fresh at work next morning. Appo Adhane?

When I asked her whether I look like Vijay or Thala, she told me I look like Thalaivasal Vijay. Appo Adhane?

When I asked her whether she will give life for me, she quickly opened her mobile phone and sent me a Candy Crush life. Appo Adhane?

When I took her to a stand-up comedy show and told my love while returning, she told me that I am the best. Appo Adhane?

When I told her there should not be any secrets between us, she introduced me to her boyfriend. Appo Adhane?

Adhu illaya?
Arun Ram

Hello Dubai huh?

You know what? I am a foreigner. Cool right? It’s very hot in Dubai but yeah. Actually hotness doesn’t matter if whole day you are going to be inside air conditioned office taking photocopies of your boss’s expense claims.

 So I got internal job posting to Dubai. These internal job postings are awesome. You are effectively changing job while retaining your official mail id and office stationary. How cool is that? – refer first para. But a tiny bit of problem is that you cannot write ‘ Handled strategic projects which enhanced intrinsic value of the enterprise and empowered women of India’ in your resume. Because the new boss has already seen you booking IRCTC tickets in office hours.

I think there is a code or something that whenever someone in family is going abroad the uncle dudes who visited that place should tell him everything about their visit to that place. So after listening to those “when I was in Dubai” references and Vadivel comedy sequences, I got huge expectations for this place. So I was super exited and landed in Dubai like in the below photo.

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The flight landed straight in the parking place of a huge mall, which later I realized as an Airport. Immediately after landing, I did what each proud Indian will do while landing in a foreign soil. I took selfies, standing before foreign figures, cars and trash cans. After all, life is all about posting Facebook photos with exotic foreign backgrounds.

It didn’t take me long to fall in love with this place. Hairy mallu uncles, foreign figures, hairy mallu uncles, skyscrapers, hairy mallu uncles, automatic metro trains… this place is awesome! Best of the world’s minds worked to build this city. These dudes can make anything artificially if it is not available naturally. Dubai has artificial snow, artificial lakes, artificial humans, artificial islands, even artificial smiles! (OK. All places have it). Though the Arabic language seemed to be always cussing my grandfather unnecessarily, I started liking it lately. I learned this one word “Eghlaaq al-abwaab” from my metro travel which I proudly utter before any Arab colleagues I come across. Apparently that phrase means ‘doors closing’ and those Arab colleagues were like ‘abeyaar! pagal hei kya? Hindi mein bolo na!’.

Dubai is a happening city, awesome structures (buildings) and all that. But but… missing Chennai already.

Eghlaaq al-abwaab
Arun Ram

Dummy’s guide on Office meetings

In my professional life (LOL!), I’ve been part of so many Strategic- eye opening – soul stirring-Costly biscuits meetings as a Minutes writer. So, with a certain sense of righteousness on knowledge of the subject, let me share with you few deep insights on bourbon biscuits meetings.

After convening a meeting and finishing a couple of Good Day packs, I realized that most of the meetings summarized under three main themes as under.

1. LOL-You-Suck meeting: One guy knows what the problem is and what the required solution is. But anyway he will call everyone for a meeting and request suggestions. After which, he calmly asks them to take a seat, laughs at them, proves why they are wrong and implement the originally thought out solution.

2. That-Awkward-Meeting: One team of dudes meets together. Critically discuss on the subject matter. Arrive at the most optimistic solution and agree on a course of action. Never makes eye contact with the participants for next 3 months.

3. He-Only-Did-that -Miss Meeting:  One team has a problem. They meet together and brainstorm to decide on the most appropriate course of action which is – which department is to be blamed for that problem

A typical meeting should be having the following agenda

  • Stealing chairs from staffs who left for restroom    9:00  – 9:05
  • Wondering about the weather  9:05  – 9:10
  • Reading out agenda of the meeting  9:15 – 9:20
  • Finding out that 9:10 – 9: 15 is missing in the agenda  slide and related discussion 9:20 – 9:25
  • Meeting  9:25-9:35
  • Complaints on biscuits quality these days  9:35 – 9:40
  • Minutes of previous meeting, when everyone guesses what was the point really about 9:40 – 9:50
  • Thanking note and Facebook check in  9:50 -10:00

Do and don’ts:

  1. Book the meeting room for a useless meeting 2 months before and fight defense when someone direly require the room for genuine purposes like IRCTC ticket booking or convincing girlfriend about your Facebook status.
  2. Fill the slides with texts like houses in Mumbai. While presenting, use the laser pointer like a magic wand. Guide the audience through most useless bullet points and 3D pie diagrams carefully omitting the important parts.
    Pro tip: When some uncomfortable questions pop up, move the laser pointer gently to the biscuits basket. You are welcome.
  3. While you are harmlessly playing Temple run and if someone suddenly asks you a question, do not accept the fact that you were not following the meeting. Instead question the questioner on some irrelevant topic and he will repeat his question again with a dog face.
    (OMG Fact : Stupid people don’t even understand how difficult it is to run in a narrow wall when there is a sudden turning followed by a deep valley and a blocking tree branch with a diamond on top. Let the Gorillas prey on them).
  4. While presenting, keep your personal photos slideshow as the screensaver and your selfie as wallpaper. Audience will love it. Start explaining where it is taken, how was the weather and what happened that day etc. to whomever shows interest
  5. Whenever you initiate to explain your ideas, neatly break them down into 3-4 points and begin like this. “Dude, there are 3 issues here. No 1 – You are so dumb. No 2 – I am dumber than you and i have no bloody idea why I was invited. No 3 – We are doomed.
  6. DO NOT ASK THE MINUTER TO SUMMARIZE THE POINTS AT THE END OF THE MEETING YOU RAW COFFEE BEAN EATING, POINTY HAIRED MORON! LET HIM LIVE IN PEACE.

Disclaimer – The above text is based on my acute observations of my neighboring office. My office meetings rock and hi boss! I love you.

In a meeting. Will call you later,
Arun Ram

Picture credit: http://www.transformedblog.com/2012/01/31/how-to-lead-a-meeting/

Baskar Winning Accountant

I always wonder how it would feel like living a life of awesomatic AR Rahman. It will be a mixture of fame, pressure, expectations which results in a simple soul stirring melody. On the other hand, I am just an Accountant. My life is a mixture of non-tallying trial balances, rectification entries, audit queries, MIS deadlines which ends in an epic Sambar rice and sleep. But for a change, let us imagine, how AR Rahman would feel, living an Accountant’s life. Let’s interview him.

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How do you keep passing awesome journal entries?
Sometimes when I sit for passing an entry, it just won’t come. I will keep focusing and trying for some time and  finally like the IRCTC website, it comes alive. My entries are results of my prayers and curses on my boss’s pet dog.

Is it true that you always work late at night to pass entries?
Yes. Because during the day time, the coffee machine and photocopier are always busy. Whereas at nights, it is free and waiting there, just for me. *rubs hands and chuckles* It is like going for a jog in Ranganathan Street. I like that. So I work late.

You’ve already won the most coveted Baskar award. How do you feel after receiving such an honorable award?
Well… I don’t work for awards and accolades. It is just the free coffee and photocopier freedom that I work for. But it felt great. Ella pugazhum MS Excel ke!

Did you expect that you will get the second award?
Oh yes. After all i named my first award Debit. Every debit will receive a corresponding Credit as per the rules of Accounting. That i knew.

You mentioned that your mother had put you into the Commerce profession. Did you grudge her decision? How did you take it?
At that time, from society’s point of you, if you can’t get into science group, you were a dumb student. You probably were a 9th grade fail who was given conditional pass to take up commerce and balance school strength. So, naturally, I was torn like a bank deposit challan. But little did I know that Commerce was where all science students would land in later, after completing B.E or B.Tech in the form of MBAs.

How do you keep yourself grounded?
I’ll take the Metro trains *throws arms and laughs*. I seriously believe that the world is a spreadsheet and we all are nothing but a homogeneous cell. The cells are formatted differently but we are all part of the same workbook.

What is one thing that you regret in your life?
I had one uncle who was a respectable Chartered Accountant in my town. He told me once that we both should totally work on a  company’s Accounts closing. He died next week because of excessive intake of client office Bourbon biscuits. My regret is that, he didn’t even give me a biscuit before dying.

Proviso 1– I am a #ThalaRockzz fan of AR Rahman and I respect him for everything he does. The above texts which occupy some useless bits of internet space are just for fun and audit evidence for my idleness.

Proviso 2: This piece is based on a very good AR Rahman interview which can be read here

Being Jobless,
Arun Ram

‘Chi’ Talks in Gtalk

Gtalk is one awesome kadalai and communication tool. While there are many others IMs available, in comparison with Gtalk, they are just… well Manmohan Singh.

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If Gtalk status is the space given to express what’s in one’s mind, no wonder it’s blank in most cases. ‘Available’ status is common with uncles and periammas. Few girls use this space to quote Shakespeare, Mahatma Gandhi, Power Star etc. There are few ‘Peter’ types who set status as ‘Available on iPhone’ while surfing wallpapers in browsing centers. Few share their companies name, mobile number and even sister’s horoscope in this space. Few use symbols and hearts better than early Egyptian civilization just to say they are happy.

Conversations below are few  instances from my routine Chi talks.

Me: Hiiiiiiiiii! How you doin!!!???!!!!
Super Figure: Hi. Fine…
Me: Cute pic! Looking very nice.
Super Figure: Thanks. That’s default cartoon…
Me: Oh! What doing? Where you work now?
Super Figure: brb…
Me: I know BNP what’s brb?
there?
Super Figure….. you there…..?
Hello?

{Cha! Bad network}

Pension Perippa: Hello Arun! Hru
Me: Fine perippa. Neenga eppadi irukkel?
Pension Periappa: Fine. Fine. Pongal lam aacha?
Me: Aachu Periappa {ippo dhan sapten}.
Pension Periappa: How is job? Any increment?
Me: Fine Periappa. Nothing.
Pension Periappa: OK. Eppo marriage? Ponnu paathacha?

Arun is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Arun comes online

Nanbaen da: Dei naye..
Me: Sollu machi…
Nanbaen da: If I give missed call, call back. That’s not to check your nonexistent callertune.
Me: ok machi. Calling….

P%&$jdkhskd2003 wants to add you on gtalk
{add}
P%&$jdkhskd2003: Hi
Me: Hi
P%&$jdkhskd2003: Kender du dansk?
Me: ok. Bye.

Boss: Someone has put sick leave and is online… Hmmm…
Me: Hi uncle! I am Arun’s little brother…
Boss: ok Arun.

Keep Chi talking,

Arun Ram