Food order Paridhabangal

How i order food:

Me: “Helloooo… Sangeetha restauranta?”
Other side: “Hi Arun. It’s me your old friend Sangeetha. How are you.”
Me: “hahahaha i was kidding” *keeps the phone and dials the correct number*
Me: As soon as the call is picked up. “Oru plate poori, Oru plate idli, Oru pongal”
~~The end. Happy ending. la la la la la. Happy food coma.~~

How my wife orders food:

Mrs : “I am wondering if you could take an order for home delivery via telephone right now?”
Other side: hello.. wait.. english… slow…
Mrs: “hmm… Order panlaama?”
Other side: “Sollunga”
Mrs: “Cauliflower Dosa irukka?”
Other side: “irukku”
Mrs: “Adhu venam. How do you make this Navarathna Khorma”
Other side: (Trying to explain for 5 mins)
Mrs: “Sounds nice. I ll try that later. Innikku vendam.”
Other side: Then what is the order!
Mrs: “1 onion masal dosa without onion and without masala”
Other side: *cries and resigns job*

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When Sani bhagvan was on special duty

Take some popcorn and tissue boxes before you read this post.

As you know, I live in Dubai Vivekananda street, near bus stand. I wanted to visit Chennai metraas but i was asked by my office to go to Bangladesh on an official matter (secret. i won’t tell). Obviously big boss is Kamalhassan so I planned to visit Bangladesh before coming to Chennai. I should have gone to Dhaka, come back to Dubai and should have started to Chennai from Dubai. But me being Ramanujam, I calculated (A + B)^2 , PERT/CPM model for shortest route etc and decided to travel Chennai straight from Dhaka.

There is no direct flight from Dhaka to Chennai so I booked Jetairways Dhaka-> Delhi and Delhi->Chennai. I should have reached Chennai within 6 hours as per the plan and I couldn’t contain the excitement in me. I left early from the hotel, smiled at strangers, helped college girl who dropped her notebooks, helped a grandma crossing her street and so on with Pharrell Williams’ Happy on the background.

The line for check-in was like nanganallur aanji kovil for ramanavami. After finishing my coffee, bath and breakfast while waiting on the queue, i managed to reach the counter where I was told by a beautiful big-eyed Bangla girl ‘I love you’. Just kidding. She told me that she will not check me in (hehehe) because the flight is delayed by 1.5 hours and I will miss my connecting flight if she checks me in now. She took personal interest in me and said, it will be in best of my interests to wait and take a different connecting flight boarding pass from Dhaka itself so I can just chill in Delhi airport while having sweet lassi. How can I not believe those eyes.

We all know GIFs are images set in a motion loop, but many of these moving images have a short story to tell, and we can somewhat tell that there is an “end” at a certain point before i…

I nodded ok and waited for some more time after which i was given a boarding pass for a transit flight from Delhi 1.5 hours later than the original scheduled flight. No big deal right? In total 1.5 hours delay to reach my home. Instead of reaching Sun TV’s Kula Deivam serial, i will reach for Vani rani.

After that I had my worst boarding experience ever in any airport. After waiting for 1 hour to get a gate number I proceeded to the gate. That gate was like Tirupathi free laddu seva queue where 157 separate lines merged into two for security check-in and boarding. Looks like same gate for 2-3 flights and everyone wants to get in at the same time. Almost

After some serious-look fighting, leap-frogging and stranger’s armpit smelling, i managed to get inside the gate like Mannan Goundamani (i would say Rajinikanth but you won’t accept) to realize that plane standing in the gate is not mine. This Sharjah plane needs to take-off before they board flight to Delhi. After another wait (by the time the actual delay is 3 hours) flight was boarded and i landed in Delhi half an hour before connecting flight departure.

Animation, Bounce, Motion, GIF, Wrestler, Happy

I was told i missed the flight! And since the next flight leaving to Chennai was fully booked i was given a flight ticket to Bangalore and from there to Chennai (ETA 10.30 PM in Chennai. You smirking Sani! At least let me catch-up Valli serial which will start by 10.30.

My flight kept circling Bangalore airport without landing and the pilot was like Aircel user “Signal not coming!”. By the time he landed my Chennai flight was gone. I generally avoid crying in public but now i could not control. It was like watching ‘Moondram pirai’ climax scene on repeat mode for me.

优秀网页设计的照片 - 微相册

After doing 5 mins of meditation and taking my BP tablet, i went to the transfers check-in.  The guy told me that i have missed my last flight for the day to Chennai and the next flight will be early morning 6.30 AM. After using my entire vocabulary of swear words and yelling – “I want to see your manager, your CEO and your Prime Minister” i was given a lounge coupon for the night stay.

After spending the night watching Black Mirror on Netflix, i was hoping to reach Chennai at least for break fast. Here is where some uncles will quote ‘When going gets tough, try banana’. Because of fog, all flights are delayed for departure. After waiting 3+ hours in the gate i boarded what they called a plane. It looked like Pallavan bus with two antenna. The pilot told us that we are on a queue and our token no is 39. Why god why!

I Do Animation And Illustration For A Living But Sometimes I Can Get A Little Melon-Choly With My Regular Work So I Make These Gifs Mostly For Fun

 

After landing in Chennai after 24 hours from my scheduled time, without sleep, depressing tv series, sipping coffees from three cities in transit, I lost it when they announced on the radio – “Welcome to Chennai. Hope you had a pleasant trip with us”.

Amazing transformation GIF!!!!!!

After reaching home i went straight to my mom and asked “What that jolna pai josiar mama told i can do as Sani peryarchi pariharam?”

#SavageSani
Arun Ram

How I met your mother on matrimony site

One fine day my long lost friend pinged me and was like “Dei! I saw your profile on a Matrimony site! hehe! You are sooo young to get married. My perippa who is 47 years old just got married. My Chithi(37) who got VRS from IOB recently is looking for one!” I replied her saying I am not into it but my parents are forcing me to marry since I look like settled and having no problems. After that, I briefly checked with her about Child Abuse toll free numbers and eligibility.

Actually i was thankful that my father didn’t post an advt. in The Hindu which goes like. “WANTED! Bride from Brahmin educated family, homely, god fearing and cockroach bashing, cultural fit and Fair n lovely kit with good number of selfies urgently!  I nodded to my parents with the sole hope that it will take lot of time to get a girl for me. My usual punch line is ‘Enthiruchu ninna 1.5 kms height da! So finding a girl with approx. 1 km height is tough no?  I strongly believed that I will get married only after Rajini/Kamal stops dancing duets, Shahid Afridi’s final retirement and Vaalu movie release.

She told me that one of her friends is interested in my matrimony profile and checked with her about my personality (lol). I donno why my friend hates me, she told her friend that I am 75 carat gold. I was given her Facebook profile link and Candy Crush game level so that I will get an opinion.

I half-heartedly opened the Facebook profile with mouse pointer almost hovering near close-window button. Then I saw the iPhone of my eyes – Princess Fiona!. I spent the next 1 hour browsing through every picture she has ever uploaded from her childhood. Cute! I audited briefly whether her Profile picture got at least average number of likes and she passed with good margins. I also checked whether she is a member of FB groups like ‘Vijay na mass’, ‘ ‘Power star is cute’, ‘Salman Khan ka banian’ etc and she turned out ok. I immediately called my mother and spoke “friend called. Rajtv la MMKR. One girl. ARR album is out. Semma cute. How is your BP. Check her profile maybe?”

In the next 2 weeks time so many things happened and so many Josiyars got paid. As per the report issued by the Josiyar – Raagu in my 8th kattam and Kethu in her 7th kattam are childhood friends it seems. So they mingle nicely. They put marks for these nowadays. We got eight for ten. That’s the highest ever marks I have got in anything.

At this point, we exchanged our mobile numbers. The next stage of my life is Stare-at-blank-mobile-screen-and-smile-you-won-a-crore Stage. I did many stupid things in this stage like sending her a long “Dummy’s guide on me” mail with usage instructions as if I am an IKEA product to assemble. She sent her Carnatic concert videos which I watched like Christopher Nolan movies pretending like I totally understood. After all these 1. ground –nut roasting 2. mobile charging  3. Blank screen staring and repeating 1-3 for few days, a face-to-face interview was arranged!

My family landed on the venue in a call taxi. All snacks and drinks were kept ready for us. I. met. Her.! We went out and had Chicku milkshake in the nearby Fruitshop. Suddenly all my mokkai talents and cinema references failed. All I managed was staring and religiously slurping of juice. She said she wanted to play a word game. I started sweating already and got reminded of my CA exam days. The game is simple, she said. She will tell a word and I have to reply back with a word that comes to my mind. She has a list of words ready in her phone for this interview! I took my white kerchief out (new one bought for this) and wiped my forehead in frequent intervals. I got reminded of Thiruvilayadal nagesh and shivaji scene.

1

She asked life; I replied costing. She asked table, I replied 15% depreciation. She asked government, I replied Macro-Economics. She asked love, I told her that is out of syllabus. From then she started to teach what that word means 😀

Shy is coming,
Arun Ram

13 things I wish I knew at 13

Aforizm budet

1. Boy! I know you will be shocked, but it finally turned out that video games are just video games and life is the real one.

2. Fight scenes in tamil movies are sooo dumb. Why you have developed so much interest in munda banian arjun fights only I donno. Grow up man! watch “Super Human Samurai”.

3. Viji miss is not the most beautiful lady in this world. And no, you can’t marry her.

4. Start reading books. Otherwise later in your life all your friends / colleagues will put too much scene about books and you ll be like. “Last English movie which I saw is Sholey”

5. Don’t change your interests like watsapp dps. Stick onto one and give your best. (like LinkedIn dp. No one really changes it)

6. Bro! you got lot of time! Stop throwing stones at dogs and start doing something useful for your life like.. collecting batman stickers

7. Comics are awesome. You are also supposed to read the text which comes in boxes it seems.

8. All girls in your class will add you later to their Facebook irrespective of pencil rubber related fights. So don’t worry 😉

9. Studies are overrated. It’s ok to fail in social science and change the world! (by marking maps wrongly).

10. Your teachers don’t hate you personally. They all work for your good. Hema miss is pure evil.

11. Watching cartoons all the time is so dumb. They are just fictitious characters. You have to be more matured like me now to realise that… only Batman can save the Gotham!

12. Stop mixing Complan/ Horlics power with ghee and eating for time pass. You are not going to get ready made shirts in future

13. You are the dumbest guy in the class. But don’t worry, with age you ll grow to be the dumbest anywhere.

*Points and laughs*
Arun Ram

P.S: This post is written on request *coughs and dies* by my awesome sis Bladenomics. You can read other cool lists here

Appo Adhane?

Image

I sent her one selfie. She said that the photo background looks amazing. Appo Adhane?

I told her ‘shy is coming’. She told ‘ok then I am going. You two guys have fun’. Appo Adhane?

I challenged her with straight face that she will one day fall for me. She said ‘awwww. You are still a child’. Appo Adhane?

When I flirted with her for half an hour, she said I should really complete my homework before tomorrow’s class. Appo Adhane?

Once when I told her that nowadays I couldn’t eat, sleep or work properly; she recommended her family doctor. Appo Adhane?

When I told her my food preferences, she accepted without any inhibition that I have many things in common with her…. dog. Appo Adhane?

When I showed her one of my latest cartoon, she told me my handwriting is really bad. Appo Adhane?

One evening when I asked her out, she told me with care and affection that I should eat and go to bed early so that I can be fresh at work next morning. Appo Adhane?

When I asked her whether I look like Vijay or Thala, she told me I look like Thalaivasal Vijay. Appo Adhane?

When I asked her whether she will give life for me, she quickly opened her mobile phone and sent me a Candy Crush life. Appo Adhane?

When I took her to a stand-up comedy show and told my love while returning, she told me that I am the best. Appo Adhane?

When I told her there should not be any secrets between us, she introduced me to her boyfriend. Appo Adhane?

Adhu illaya?
Arun Ram

Hello Dubai huh?

You know what? I am a foreigner. Cool right? It’s very hot in Dubai but yeah. Actually hotness doesn’t matter if whole day you are going to be inside air conditioned office taking photocopies of your boss’s expense claims.

 So I got internal job posting to Dubai. These internal job postings are awesome. You are effectively changing job while retaining your official mail id and office stationary. How cool is that? – refer first para. But a tiny bit of problem is that you cannot write ‘ Handled strategic projects which enhanced intrinsic value of the enterprise and empowered women of India’ in your resume. Because the new boss has already seen you booking IRCTC tickets in office hours.

I think there is a code or something that whenever someone in family is going abroad the uncle dudes who visited that place should tell him everything about their visit to that place. So after listening to those “when I was in Dubai” references and Vadivel comedy sequences, I got huge expectations for this place. So I was super exited and landed in Dubai like in the below photo.

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The flight landed straight in the parking place of a huge mall, which later I realized as an Airport. Immediately after landing, I did what each proud Indian will do while landing in a foreign soil. I took selfies, standing before foreign figures, cars and trash cans. After all, life is all about posting Facebook photos with exotic foreign backgrounds.

It didn’t take me long to fall in love with this place. Hairy mallu uncles, foreign figures, hairy mallu uncles, skyscrapers, hairy mallu uncles, automatic metro trains… this place is awesome! Best of the world’s minds worked to build this city. These dudes can make anything artificially if it is not available naturally. Dubai has artificial snow, artificial lakes, artificial humans, artificial islands, even artificial smiles! (OK. All places have it). Though the Arabic language seemed to be always cussing my grandfather unnecessarily, I started liking it lately. I learned this one word “Eghlaaq al-abwaab” from my metro travel which I proudly utter before any Arab colleagues I come across. Apparently that phrase means ‘doors closing’ and those Arab colleagues were like ‘abeyaar! pagal hei kya? Hindi mein bolo na!’.

Dubai is a happening city, awesome structures (buildings) and all that. But but… missing Chennai already.

Eghlaaq al-abwaab
Arun Ram

Dummy’s guide on Office meetings

In my professional life (LOL!), I’ve been part of so many Strategic- eye opening – soul stirring-Costly biscuits meetings as a Minutes writer. So, with a certain sense of righteousness on knowledge of the subject, let me share with you few deep insights on bourbon biscuits meetings.

After convening a meeting and finishing a couple of Good Day packs, I realized that most of the meetings summarized under three main themes as under.

1. LOL-You-Suck meeting: One guy knows what the problem is and what the required solution is. But anyway he will call everyone for a meeting and request suggestions. After which, he calmly asks them to take a seat, laughs at them, proves why they are wrong and implement the originally thought out solution.

2. That-Awkward-Meeting: One team of dudes meets together. Critically discuss on the subject matter. Arrive at the most optimistic solution and agree on a course of action. Never makes eye contact with the participants for next 3 months.

3. He-Only-Did-that -Miss Meeting:  One team has a problem. They meet together and brainstorm to decide on the most appropriate course of action which is – which department is to be blamed for that problem

A typical meeting should be having the following agenda

  • Stealing chairs from staffs who left for restroom    9:00  – 9:05
  • Wondering about the weather  9:05  – 9:10
  • Reading out agenda of the meeting  9:15 – 9:20
  • Finding out that 9:10 – 9: 15 is missing in the agenda  slide and related discussion 9:20 – 9:25
  • Meeting  9:25-9:35
  • Complaints on biscuits quality these days  9:35 – 9:40
  • Minutes of previous meeting, when everyone guesses what was the point really about 9:40 – 9:50
  • Thanking note and Facebook check in  9:50 -10:00

Do and don’ts:

  1. Book the meeting room for a useless meeting 2 months before and fight defense when someone direly require the room for genuine purposes like IRCTC ticket booking or convincing girlfriend about your Facebook status.
  2. Fill the slides with texts like houses in Mumbai. While presenting, use the laser pointer like a magic wand. Guide the audience through most useless bullet points and 3D pie diagrams carefully omitting the important parts.
    Pro tip: When some uncomfortable questions pop up, move the laser pointer gently to the biscuits basket. You are welcome.
  3. While you are harmlessly playing Temple run and if someone suddenly asks you a question, do not accept the fact that you were not following the meeting. Instead question the questioner on some irrelevant topic and he will repeat his question again with a dog face.
    (OMG Fact : Stupid people don’t even understand how difficult it is to run in a narrow wall when there is a sudden turning followed by a deep valley and a blocking tree branch with a diamond on top. Let the Gorillas prey on them).
  4. While presenting, keep your personal photos slideshow as the screensaver and your selfie as wallpaper. Audience will love it. Start explaining where it is taken, how was the weather and what happened that day etc. to whomever shows interest
  5. Whenever you initiate to explain your ideas, neatly break them down into 3-4 points and begin like this. “Dude, there are 3 issues here. No 1 – You are so dumb. No 2 – I am dumber than you and i have no bloody idea why I was invited. No 3 – We are doomed.
  6. DO NOT ASK THE MINUTER TO SUMMARIZE THE POINTS AT THE END OF THE MEETING YOU RAW COFFEE BEAN EATING, POINTY HAIRED MORON! LET HIM LIVE IN PEACE.

Disclaimer – The above text is based on my acute observations of my neighboring office. My office meetings rock and hi boss! I love you.

In a meeting. Will call you later,
Arun Ram

Picture credit: http://www.transformedblog.com/2012/01/31/how-to-lead-a-meeting/