Dummy’s guide on Office meetings

In my professional life (LOL!), I’ve been part of so many Strategic- eye opening – soul stirring-Costly biscuits meetings as a Minutes writer. So, with a certain sense of righteousness on knowledge of the subject, let me share with you few deep insights on bourbon biscuits meetings.

After convening a meeting and finishing a couple of Good Day packs, I realized that most of the meetings summarized under three main themes as under.

1. LOL-You-Suck meeting: One guy knows what the problem is and what the required solution is. But anyway he will call everyone for a meeting and request suggestions. After which, he calmly asks them to take a seat, laughs at them, proves why they are wrong and implement the originally thought out solution.

2. That-Awkward-Meeting: One team of dudes meets together. Critically discuss on the subject matter. Arrive at the most optimistic solution and agree on a course of action. Never makes eye contact with the participants for next 3 months.

3. He-Only-Did-that -Miss Meeting:  One team has a problem. They meet together and brainstorm to decide on the most appropriate course of action which is – which department is to be blamed for that problem

A typical meeting should be having the following agenda

  • Stealing chairs from staffs who left for restroom    9:00  – 9:05
  • Wondering about the weather  9:05  – 9:10
  • Reading out agenda of the meeting  9:15 – 9:20
  • Finding out that 9:10 – 9: 15 is missing in the agenda  slide and related discussion 9:20 – 9:25
  • Meeting  9:25-9:35
  • Complaints on biscuits quality these days  9:35 – 9:40
  • Minutes of previous meeting, when everyone guesses what was the point really about 9:40 – 9:50
  • Thanking note and Facebook check in  9:50 -10:00

Do and don’ts:

  1. Book the meeting room for a useless meeting 2 months before and fight defense when someone direly require the room for genuine purposes like IRCTC ticket booking or convincing girlfriend about your Facebook status.
  2. Fill the slides with texts like houses in Mumbai. While presenting, use the laser pointer like a magic wand. Guide the audience through most useless bullet points and 3D pie diagrams carefully omitting the important parts.
    Pro tip: When some uncomfortable questions pop up, move the laser pointer gently to the biscuits basket. You are welcome.
  3. While you are harmlessly playing Temple run and if someone suddenly asks you a question, do not accept the fact that you were not following the meeting. Instead question the questioner on some irrelevant topic and he will repeat his question again with a dog face.
    (OMG Fact : Stupid people don’t even understand how difficult it is to run in a narrow wall when there is a sudden turning followed by a deep valley and a blocking tree branch with a diamond on top. Let the Gorillas prey on them).
  4. While presenting, keep your personal photos slideshow as the screensaver and your selfie as wallpaper. Audience will love it. Start explaining where it is taken, how was the weather and what happened that day etc. to whomever shows interest
  5. Whenever you initiate to explain your ideas, neatly break them down into 3-4 points and begin like this. “Dude, there are 3 issues here. No 1 – You are so dumb. No 2 – I am dumber than you and i have no bloody idea why I was invited. No 3 – We are doomed.
  6. DO NOT ASK THE MINUTER TO SUMMARIZE THE POINTS AT THE END OF THE MEETING YOU RAW COFFEE BEAN EATING, POINTY HAIRED MORON! LET HIM LIVE IN PEACE.

Disclaimer – The above text is based on my acute observations of my neighboring office. My office meetings rock and hi boss! I love you.

In a meeting. Will call you later,
Arun Ram

Picture credit: http://www.transformedblog.com/2012/01/31/how-to-lead-a-meeting/

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Baskar Winning Accountant

I always wonder how it would feel like living a life of awesomatic AR Rahman. It will be a mixture of fame, pressure, expectations which results in a simple soul stirring melody. On the other hand, I am just an Accountant. My life is a mixture of non-tallying trial balances, rectification entries, audit queries, MIS deadlines which ends in an epic Sambar rice and sleep. But for a change, let us imagine, how AR Rahman would feel, living an Accountant’s life. Let’s interview him.

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How do you keep passing awesome journal entries?
Sometimes when I sit for passing an entry, it just won’t come. I will keep focusing and trying for some time and  finally like the IRCTC website, it comes alive. My entries are results of my prayers and curses on my boss’s pet dog.

Is it true that you always work late at night to pass entries?
Yes. Because during the day time, the coffee machine and photocopier are always busy. Whereas at nights, it is free and waiting there, just for me. *rubs hands and chuckles* It is like going for a jog in Ranganathan Street. I like that. So I work late.

You’ve already won the most coveted Baskar award. How do you feel after receiving such an honorable award?
Well… I don’t work for awards and accolades. It is just the free coffee and photocopier freedom that I work for. But it felt great. Ella pugazhum MS Excel ke!

Did you expect that you will get the second award?
Oh yes. After all i named my first award Debit. Every debit will receive a corresponding Credit as per the rules of Accounting. That i knew.

You mentioned that your mother had put you into the Commerce profession. Did you grudge her decision? How did you take it?
At that time, from society’s point of you, if you can’t get into science group, you were a dumb student. You probably were a 9th grade fail who was given conditional pass to take up commerce and balance school strength. So, naturally, I was torn like a bank deposit challan. But little did I know that Commerce was where all science students would land in later, after completing B.E or B.Tech in the form of MBAs.

How do you keep yourself grounded?
I’ll take the Metro trains *throws arms and laughs*. I seriously believe that the world is a spreadsheet and we all are nothing but a homogeneous cell. The cells are formatted differently but we are all part of the same workbook.

What is one thing that you regret in your life?
I had one uncle who was a respectable Chartered Accountant in my town. He told me once that we both should totally work on a  company’s Accounts closing. He died next week because of excessive intake of client office Bourbon biscuits. My regret is that, he didn’t even give me a biscuit before dying.

Proviso 1– I am a #ThalaRockzz fan of AR Rahman and I respect him for everything he does. The above texts which occupy some useless bits of internet space are just for fun and audit evidence for my idleness.

Proviso 2: This piece is based on a very good AR Rahman interview which can be read here

Being Jobless,
Arun Ram

‘Chi’ Talks in Gtalk

Gtalk is one awesome kadalai and communication tool. While there are many others IMs available, in comparison with Gtalk, they are just… well Manmohan Singh.

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If Gtalk status is the space given to express what’s in one’s mind, no wonder it’s blank in most cases. ‘Available’ status is common with uncles and periammas. Few girls use this space to quote Shakespeare, Mahatma Gandhi, Power Star etc. There are few ‘Peter’ types who set status as ‘Available on iPhone’ while surfing wallpapers in browsing centers. Few share their companies name, mobile number and even sister’s horoscope in this space. Few use symbols and hearts better than early Egyptian civilization just to say they are happy.

Conversations below are few  instances from my routine Chi talks.

Me: Hiiiiiiiiii! How you doin!!!???!!!!
Super Figure: Hi. Fine…
Me: Cute pic! Looking very nice.
Super Figure: Thanks. That’s default cartoon…
Me: Oh! What doing? Where you work now?
Super Figure: brb…
Me: I know BNP what’s brb?
there?
Super Figure….. you there…..?
Hello?

{Cha! Bad network}

Pension Perippa: Hello Arun! Hru
Me: Fine perippa. Neenga eppadi irukkel?
Pension Periappa: Fine. Fine. Pongal lam aacha?
Me: Aachu Periappa {ippo dhan sapten}.
Pension Periappa: How is job? Any increment?
Me: Fine Periappa. Nothing.
Pension Periappa: OK. Eppo marriage? Ponnu paathacha?

Arun is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Arun comes online

Nanbaen da: Dei naye..
Me: Sollu machi…
Nanbaen da: If I give missed call, call back. That’s not to check your nonexistent callertune.
Me: ok machi. Calling….

P%&$jdkhskd2003 wants to add you on gtalk
{add}
P%&$jdkhskd2003: Hi
Me: Hi
P%&$jdkhskd2003: Kender du dansk?
Me: ok. Bye.

Boss: Someone has put sick leave and is online… Hmmm…
Me: Hi uncle! I am Arun’s little brother…
Boss: ok Arun.

Keep Chi talking,

Arun Ram

What Atrocity is this Mr.Saravanan!

 

‘Arun! You are going to Unlimited India Pvt Ltd. in 2 days’ auditor declared. Arun is about to complete his first year of apprenticeship training in a medium sized auditor office, Hari Siva and co. Though the client’s name made him chuckle, he got excited. After all this is his first audit which he is going to handle on his own. Also he got fed up preparing Income Tax Returns of pensioners with National Saving Certificates in office.
 
‘Book your tickets now itself to Thiruvannamalai.’ Auditor continued. ‘You can take one junior with you.’
 
Though the firm is medium sized, it lodged nearly 47 articled assistants a.k.a cheap labors. Few of them are straight from school giving a mild Child labor feel and are still fighting for rubber capped pencils. So selecting one available labor is a Himalayan task. Arun ran through the attendance register and selected one least irritating pencil fighter and also booked AC sleeper bus tickets.
 
The next two days Arun prepared for the audit like CA final exam. This is his chance to prove. He vowed to show professionalism in planning and delivery. He promptly went through the last year files, made notes and saved client’s number on his mobile. So far, he got bored of ticking vouchers as directed by seniors and having leftovers of lunch ordered by them. Time for some fresh food!

He always told himself that, he can format excel sheets better than his seniors. But this is his time to demonstrate and prove to the world. He took hard copies of previous years’ working papers, sent soft files to his own mail id and also copied it in a pen drive. True professional! History awaits this long patiently to witness the chronicles of a great auditor to unfold.
 
He instructed the junior to take the necessities and his teddy bear toy and reach bus stand one hour before the scheduled departure. On his way to Thiruvannamalai, he was rehearsing his audit plans and lunch menus. They went straight to a client booked third class lodge and slept off putting legs over each other.
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Next day morning, he woke up energetically, wished himself good luck, and used all toiletries available. He took an auto and reached office on time. The peon welcomed him ‘Auditor Sir’ and he gave back a pompous smile. He was asked to occupy a room which was made ready for audit purpose and was previously used for dumping dead bodies. He sat proudly opened his files and got ready for the show to begin.
 
Accountant kittu entered the room saying ‘Sorry sir! I am late.’ He looked at Arun and immediately his face filled with joy. ‘Dei Arunu! How are you da? How is amma?’ he spitted more betel leaves than words. Arun took a moment to realize that it was his Kittu uncle who is a distant brother of his mom’s cousin’s pet dog. Arun vexed his life and replied to meet him. Last time when he met this uncle he was given free lecture about Subhash Chandra Bose for 90 minutes. ‘Very fine uncle!’ he managed to say.

After that in the remaining course of audit, Kittu uncle treated Arun, how he treated the pencil fighter.

With tears,
Arun Ram

Of course Kamalgaasan films won’t run

Kamalgaasan and Rajinikanth fights are one of the awesomatic time pass ever. I also like Rajini for his style and Top Raman kind-of extra masala, but why compare kamal sir with him? Machan, go and compare Puli saadham with Cheese pasta no? Rascal!

Yes I agree Kamal sir movies have some gilma stuff here and there and in between as well. That’s because we copy get influence from Hollywood movies macha! The one scene which you outraged in public and watched 13 times on youtube? Sappa matter (literally!) for us.

Kamal can act, sing, dance, direct, produce, and abuse in 14 languages. Boss he has better features than Micromax mobiles! He can speak English with more accent than Hyundai company itself. Whenever he starts speaking English I ll just clap and pass the moment.

Dude, I know that he experiments cinema in other producers cost. I also know that you had that American chopsy during client visit and abused the waiter for not giving bill for the tips money. Spending others money is always fun! See how happy our politicians are.

You may say that Kamal does over-action in few places. I totally agree. But as per Docomo Vijay – something extra is cool no? Then how do you expect people to say Kamal has done ‘better’ than Marlin Brando in Nayagan? *Aaah… aaaaah….*

Whenever I witness Ajith and Vijay fights, I’ll roll on the floor pointing and laughing. One fellow even dared me by saying that Vijay is better in shaking his head while stretching his arms horizontally flat. Baskar!

Macha i don’t really care whether his films are running well or producer is happy or producer’s periamma is happy. I just want to watch a movie and appreciate. If you talk about movie hits, I ll buy Hit (Red color) and spray inside your nose.

Kamal sir is the awesomest actor I ve seen. His humors, his small perfections, his passion towards cinema are unparalleled. Seriously who will draw scars, put buddi glass and yellow washes teeth to spoil his handsomeness? He would’ve acted all soft romatic Gemini ganesan kind of movies using his looks. But see what he has chosen. 

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I totally agree that he should not propagate atheism in all his movies. But macha, one cannot be perfect. He has his right on flaws. I totally accept and adore him.

Kamal sir has more experience in cinema than all Finance uncles in TVS office put together. So at least give respect. Let me give the following bullet points to prove kamal sir’s awesomeness.

  • Paartha mudhal naale song bullet
  • HAPPYYY NEW YEARRR- song bullet
  • Mumbai express bullet
  • Avvai shanmughi chasing scene in bullet

*runs before getting killed*

P.S: This blog was intended to be a birthday tribute. But similar to kamal sir movies, the release got delayed.

Anbe Venkatachalam,

Arun Ram

How to get rid of Raghuthatha in you

People struggle for words in two cases.  1. Words are incompetent to express them. 2. They are incompetent to express in words. The Latter case is very painful I am telling you! *wipes tears*.

Majority of we tamilians are Raghuthathas in Hindi. We listen to ARR songs and all in Hindi. But still we cannot properly say “Good morning. My name is Selvi” in hindi.

This Hindi language makes me go mad.  The only thing which I totally couldn’t get is that, why they are involving my aatha (mom) into a conversation happening in a bus stop. They are telling “Gaadi aatha hei”, when my mom is so slim, not gaadi at all and silently watching Sneha-Prasanna wedding in vijay tv.

I should’ve learned this mother abusing language before itself. But in my college days, one of my policies was to accept and appreciate all languages only in porn movies. So now I am suffering.

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So here are the options.

Option 1: Gurupadham ki nikalo hei:

Guru is very important da. Matha, pitha, guru, deivam is the hierarchy. But thala kamal Hassan has acted Guru movie only no? This Maniratnam also has directed one movie in that name. So now you know the importance of Guru. I realized this in my 1st std itself and joined a hindi classses (bgm: ♫Guruve…..Saranam….♫). But there  I got slapped mercilessly for very ordinary behavior of getting reference from the book during class test. That teacher turned my ear like car stereo volume controller with my raising scream right in front of that cute girl Nitya who later asked me to return her groundnut rubber which she gifted me that day.  All my maanam, soodu, soranai told each other ‘saaman nikalo!’

Option 2: Konar the barbarian

There is one fellow called Konar da. He used to publish guides for complicated tamil verses and all. I learned tamil only through him. But he stared at me dumbstruck and started crying when I asked him the meaning of few Harris Jayaraj songs. But a good chap though. Call him and ask him to put a guide for hindi no? You people have no ideas on your own da. All I need to tell.

Option 3: Muzic mei aatha hei ?

Hindi songs! Learning through music is a classical idea. Remember we used to learn ABCD and all through music only. But I used to forget the lyrics concentrating more on the tune. But in hindi songs are not very good da. Those music directors are worse than Harris J. Come ‘on our Harris copies tunes from his earlier movies only. But these fellows are copying from the same movies da! And calling it remix, medimix etc.

Option 4: Movies dheko na?

A very good choice is to watch hindi movie with English subtitles. But you need patience of a Master Oogway from kungfu panda, to watch a hindi movie. That’s how bad it is. Recently I watched a hindi movie which was like watching a 5 yr old kid play PS3 while you are waiting for your turn in ezone. And also recent hits are remake movies of our Dr Vijay which were  remakes from Telugu, Malayalam, Kannada and Xhosa languages. This is like, eating from picha karan’s plate and vomiting it and eating it again.

So all these methods are failing miserably. So what’s the solution?

Get yourself posted in a hindi speaking city like me and start abusing their mothers too. Bravely die after killing Hindi.

Jai Hind(i),
Arun Ram

Mobile Internet

I woke up late one fine morning and while sipping my cup, I updated a facebook status via my mobile “Dude! My mom’s coffee is awesome. She is the best”. Within few minutes, my mom commented on the status from kitchen saying “Blunt dog! I gave you a tea”. And that comment got 15 likes. This is how my day starts usually. Internet enabled mobile phone is like having your friends and relations at your trouser pocket.

It will take 90 minutes for me to reach my work place on my company bus. That is the crucial time slot of my day to update my knowledge. I will browse through all the news websites and twitter feeds. “Information is wealth” I’ll tell to my colleague who just woke up from his sleep after my thunderous laughter reading Ramesh Srivats’s tweet. After getting enlightened with the world knowledge, I will do the thing which is expected from each and every dutiful citizen of India. Updating Fb status with an intellectual pun and refreshing for few likes that is.

Even Office time can be fun, while live tweeting it. But these system admins are villains in all offices. Except Google page, all other sites are proudly blocked by them. Dei what is the purpose of having only menu card in a restaurant? But of course still we can pass some time playing with doodles created for honoring every single person you don’t know’s birthday. There again you need a phone to save you from this cruel world and to tweet swear words about your system admin. All essential human activities like checking cricket scores, booking cinema tickets, chatting with friends, clicking like on ‘not so cute’ girl’s picture with pomerian dog all needs to be done in time.

I don’t know how people survived at all before all these technologies. Just imagine how awesome it would’ve been if these things exist from the period of Ramayana or Mahabharatha. Ramayan would’ve ended shortly with just a tweet of Rama saying “Sita missing. Pls retweet” or a fb post by sita with location “Dude ram, this raavan fellow has one awesome veena. Get me one like this”.  Mahabaratha wouldn’t have started if both pandavas and dhuriyodhana were busy playing angry birds on their mobile forgetting the stupid dice.

PS: This blabbering is part of a blog contest for which the last date of submission was years ago. I read this recently in my evernote drafts (ya, I use evernote and all to put scene) and share this with yougaiz and torture you to death. Mission Accomplished.

Updated via android mobile,
Arun Ram