Hello Dubai huh?

You know what? I am a foreigner. Cool right? It’s very hot in Dubai but yeah. Actually hotness doesn’t matter if whole day you are going to be inside air conditioned office taking photocopies of your boss’s expense claims.

 So I got internal job posting to Dubai. These internal job postings are awesome. You are effectively changing job while retaining your official mail id and office stationary. How cool is that? – refer first para. But a tiny bit of problem is that you cannot write ‘ Handled strategic projects which enhanced intrinsic value of the enterprise and empowered women of India’ in your resume. Because the new boss has already seen you booking IRCTC tickets in office hours.

I think there is a code or something that whenever someone in family is going abroad the uncle dudes who visited that place should tell him everything about their visit to that place. So after listening to those “when I was in Dubai” references and Vadivel comedy sequences, I got huge expectations for this place. So I was super exited and landed in Dubai like in the below photo.

 Image

The flight landed straight in the parking place of a huge mall, which later I realized as an Airport. Immediately after landing, I did what each proud Indian will do while landing in a foreign soil. I took selfies, standing before foreign figures, cars and trash cans. After all, life is all about posting Facebook photos with exotic foreign backgrounds.

It didn’t take me long to fall in love with this place. Hairy mallu uncles, foreign figures, hairy mallu uncles, skyscrapers, hairy mallu uncles, automatic metro trains… this place is awesome! Best of the world’s minds worked to build this city. These dudes can make anything artificially if it is not available naturally. Dubai has artificial snow, artificial lakes, artificial humans, artificial islands, even artificial smiles! (OK. All places have it). Though the Arabic language seemed to be always cussing my grandfather unnecessarily, I started liking it lately. I learned this one word “Eghlaaq al-abwaab” from my metro travel which I proudly utter before any Arab colleagues I come across. Apparently that phrase means ‘doors closing’ and those Arab colleagues were like ‘abeyaar! pagal hei kya? Hindi mein bolo na!’.

Dubai is a happening city, awesome structures (buildings) and all that. But but… missing Chennai already.

Eghlaaq al-abwaab
Arun Ram

Thundu beedi pulambals:

@Sappa figure

Amma sathiyama sollu. Don’t you know that you are a sappa figure. How many years you are going to act as if you don’t know the fact? Why this vetti scene? You create a scene like I’m dying to look at you. I’ll watch tiruppachi and sivagasi DVDs back to back instead. Onnu soldren kettukko “Ponnu na adakkama irukkanum. Adakkam panni endhiruchu vandha maari irukka koodathu!”

@Gold chains

What? That thamathoondu gold chain twenty five thousand rupees huh? What utility you are deriving from that yellow metal, except that scene you put in kaadhu kuthals? Aiyo rama…. I would’ve bought a x box 360 and rested in peace..

@TV Stations

How is that everytime I turn some channel only to find my favorite song playing the last line? You waited for me to end the song, don’t you? You are starting your Orbitrek advertisement immediately to make a mock on me.  Kradhagha!

@Sooper figure

Dei pacha satta… Un moonjikku andha soooper figure huh da… If you both stand side by side, it looks like piano with black and white strings! Satyam theatre mela sathiyama soldren… nee nalla irukka matta! Aiyoo… enna figure enna figure… compass la potta  maths figure 2.2 maari irukkale!. Sooper figure lam RADO showroom maari. Orama ninnu vedikka paathe vazhkaya otta vendiyadhu than!

@Vadapalani Signal

Dei manasatchiye illama 150 seconds signal podareengale… see da that side nobody’s coming, except that munda banian tricycle karan, whistling a vijay song…..

@Facebook likes

“Yaaaay……. :)” nu oru fb status update by a sumar figure, adhukku 11 likes huh da? My 3 yrs akka ponnu A lendhu Z varaikkum solva da… Last week I saw one status msg “Lost my mobile :(“. For that 4 likes! I bet one of them would be the one, who has stolen it. Get him da!

@Blackberry mandayans

Dei unakku call attend, call cut thavara vera onnum panna theriyadhu. Then why you bought that ultra-modern Blackberry phone? Micromax 800 Rs phone is too much for you.  You’ll ask the poor sales person in store whether it will play Sun-tv. After buying that first thing you will call your IT dept personnel and configure outlook settings, so that you can receive and send mails. The scene you put after that is more disgusting than Vijay movie intro scene!

Just for the line “-Sent via blackberry” – at the end of every mail, you are spending 25 k. Kradhaga! I started typing that myself and saved 25k. We can also create a signature line “Sent via Costly blackberry Rs 29,500 + Rs 500 Pouch+ Rs 200 scratch guard ” and save energy. Idea illadha pasanga!

@American annas

Dei ipod, digicam, playboy scent, you are putting too much scene da… If i ask you’ll tell my brother bought these from US. Dei my Anna…. vetti payale….. andha buiscuit packet’a keela vechuttu US poda!

Vaithula vayula adichundu azhum,

Arun Ram

I am “the” Appatucker


It took me 2-3 days after my CA results to realize that I’ve really become an appatucker. I always believed that my mom is going to wake me up “Mokku! You overslept. Today is the last day for exam fees. You remember?” But no I survived.

It is not a dream I believe. Else writing this blog may also be a dream. May be my whole life is a dream. I may be a brown color, one leg broken street dog, which runs behind every yellow color Tata Nano and getting dreams like a CA student. Nevertheless I’m loving it.

The day of result, I’ll never forget. Results were expected to be announced by 11 AM. I planned a tar-mar strategy (I used to term all my strategies so). The strategy is I will go to office, as soon as results are announced I’ll rush to our bike parking and see the results there in my mobile. If positive, buy sweets and return office to put scene and all. If negative run home and weep like a lorry hit dog. But anga dhan twist.

On my way to office itself i received a call from my Dubai friend. I stopped my bike in a moothara sandhu and picked my phone. He terrorized me with the words “Results out”. (Thank god I’m in a moothara sandhu and I’m free to pee).
I told him my number and asked him to check. He used bad words after checking those. Coz, Instead of a 5 digit roll number, I told him some 8 digit number (probably my mama thatha’s phone number). So I had to call back my home to search my hall ticket to get the actual roll number. My sister succeeded the search with google speed (5.026 seconds- yeah I have only bsnl connection).

By that time, my friend Auto Mani called and communicated his pass! I was very happy to hear that. He’s a very hard worker. If he’s not passing, even saraswathi’s cousin son cannot pass. He spent time on studies more than what our planet earth has taken to reach this evolution. I told him my correct roll number and asked him to check.

He was checking my result …..

Those 10 seconds are the longest ones in my life….

It was like Raktha sarithiram movie in which, they showed even the film credits in slow motion. Cycles are passed by in ultra-slow motion in HD clarity. I thought god has given the world’s remote control to a toddler who experiments it by pressing all coloured buttons.

Auto mani finally said “58, 63, 41, 57…….kalakkitta machi… nee pass!!!”

Suddenly without asking my permission one droplet came out of my eyes “pochak”! I told “dai… ulle poh” in Rajini’s accent. I went back to my Guna-Kamal Hassan mode for 10 secs, with upward staring eyes. Then, I called my home to make my mom happy. Damn I didn’t see her face. But I could completely visualize it with every detail.

After that I got some 25-30 calls. “Watra” Shyam and Srinath 420 also passed. Watra Shyam’s kumbakonam-temple-anga-prodhakshanam strategy worked finally!

On roads I gave an “eeeeeee” smile at everyone. I felt like being in heaven and having a look at the sinners on earth. When I saw a Pulsar boy with super figure in backseat, I thought of asking “Hey your girl may be a sooooper figure, but naan CA pass! Nee pass huh da? Soldra… nee pass huh?”

Yes I’m a Chartered Accountant now. What a feel! What a relief! No more section number mugging. No more “Ippo ennada ambi pandra nee?” questions from pattu podavai maamis in kaadhu kuthals. No more early morning classes without bath. No more raasi palan seeking on exam days. He he he… I’m happieeee!

Appatucker
Arun Ram

Client office ka(p)pi:

Client:  Auditor sir! Tea or coffe?

Me: Tea please.

Cl: Koocha padadheenga sir. Kettu vangi sapudunga.

(Idhula ennada koocha padarathukku irukku? Am I selecting one among your two daughters?)

Me: Ha ha ha (I have to do this.. Refer Allakkai rule no.1 ) Sir, is this the complete list of bill wise debtors?

Cl: Yes yes…. Correct’a kandu pudiichutteengale!

(idha kandupudikka vijayakanth’a varuvaru?)

Me: I need a copy sir.

Cl: modhalla tea venumnu sonneenga! Ippo kapi kekkareenga. He he he

(Is there a report abuse button on a live conversation?)

Me: Sir… I surrender. [Waving my white kerchief]

(Cha… indha audit vandhadhukku, cut adichuttu, vijay padam poirukkalam!)

Cl: Kochukkadheenga sir. Enakku humour konjam jaasthi

(Enakku tumour varama ivan vida matan polarukke!)

Cl: Sir’ku sondha ooru?

Me: Sondhama ooru vangara alavukku lam vasadhi illa sir! Oru kooru orange pazham vena vaangalam.

(matniya da mavane… ippo pesu da!)

Cl: Othukaren sir… Ungalukkum humour jaasthi dhan.. So far pathadhula edavathu queries irukka?

(Amam da. Reception’la oru sooper figure okkandhurukke, adhoda number enna?)

Me: Irukku sir. But unga range’ku illa. Naan peon kittave kettukkaren.

Cl: Ennoda 25 years’ service’la……

(nee vela pathathe  illaya?)

Cl: Naan ivlo osaramana auditor’a pathathu illa.

(naan kooda dhan ennoda 23 years’ experience la ivlo periya mongoose mandaya pathadhilla)

Me: he he he… apdiya sir? [with discovery channel face expression]

Cl: Unga height evlo sir?

Me: Adhellam vikkaradhilla sir.

Cl: Rightu… sir kovama irukkenganu nenakkaren.. Nan apparama  varen.

Me: Apparama vandhu kettalum vikka mataen sir.

(Apdiye odiru)

Cl: Hello… hello… sorry auditor sir oru important call.. naama apporama pesalam.

Me: calculator’a eduthu kadhula vechukittu enna sir pandreenga?

Cl: He he he…. hu hu hu…. bye…

Oru Allakkaiyin pulambal


Ponna porandha thavala vazhka nu enga vadukkapatti paati solvanga. Porandha veedu pugundha veedunu rendu edathulayum survive pannanum. Same thing applies muttatis muttandis to articled assistants also. We need to survive both in our office and client’s place.

The first year article ship was bliss. You’ll have your first time experience of being called “Auditor sir”! You will be searching around “yenga sir… yenga sir”. Then the senior will put his hands on your shoulder and tell you “inime ellame ipdidhan!”

I remember my first audit experience. This part of article ship is called “Dry nappy feel happy” part. My senior told me
“Arunu! nalla kettukko. Voucher’la 50 Rs. tick, supporting la 50 Rs. tick, Printout la  50 Rs. Tick. Avlo dhan audit!” Namme vazhkaye tick aana mari oru peeling.

My first audit is a Primary school. I have one unique feature. Any person after looking at me or talking me for just 5 seconds gets to know the real me. “Dhoda Comedy piece!” will be his instant recognition. Eppadi dhan kandu pudippangalo!

On day one of the audit, while I was entering the school premises with Billa movie BGM, one dhamathoondu chalk piece sized boy called me “anna…. anna”. I felt like Ayudha Ezhuthu Surya doing social service. I kneeled down just to match his height with great difficulty and asked “Ennappa thambi? lacto king venuma? Naan saptutene!” He said “Pooja irukka illa pooja, ava ungala paathu…. ungala pathu…. ‘Andha maama paruda… panamaram mariye irukkanga’ nu soldra. He he he” I replied him controlling my tears with Rajini modulation… “kanna… ponnu na santhama pesanum. Santhanam mari pesa koodathu! Pooja pechu doo vittudu!”

For lunch we went to Saravana Bhavan, where people sit in groups and talk about “poor India”, leaving no table free and paying Rs.40 for one spoon Pongal. My senior ordered “one Ghee roast, onion othappam and one Basandhi for me. For you Arunu?” I showed Guna kamalhassan laddu expression and asked “Boss?” He again put his hands on my shoulder and told “inime ellame ipdidhan!”

After that I was sent for a stock audit. I cried to my senior “Amma sathiyama soldren. enakku above hundred numbers theriyadhu boss.” But it didn’t work. I was made to work instead. Five warehouses in the campus, 5 kms radius, 3 full days, I was ROFC-ing (Rolling on the floor counting). That part of article ship is called “Five in the fingers, seven in the mind, total thirteen

In the middle of my second year, my life changed. I went for an audit with a senior. He wrote “as I am suffering from” letter and absconded. I was made to finalise the accounts with the partner who has the tag line -“I am the terror if you make the error”. I updated my fb status as “I am a comedy piece who is going to rest in peace :(”.

After 2 mins talking, he expressed an adverse opinion on me. That part of article ship is called “Lump sum pump”.

I am in my third year now and  i don’t feel pain anymore. I am used to being used. So this part of article ship is called “adingada… nalla adingada… naan kuniyarenda” part.

Allakkai rules:

  • Whatever mokka comedy your client tries, you should laugh. For this you can practice by laughing to “kalaikka povadha yaru” and its likes. At least make a curve with your lips and say “eeee….. sema comedy sir neenga!”
  • Always you should not complete the audit in a period shorter than the last time. The client will put Variance Analysis and raise queries on us. Mokku!
  • Client should not know that you do not know. Do the needful. Keep your face terror!
  • While at client’s cost, sort the menu by descending prices and choose the first item. Please ignore “Phone – 439289”. That’s not an item.
  • Maintain good relationship with client. Arrange some “vaanga pazhagalam” meeting.
  • Don’t get too much attached to your job or employer. Even google cannot support attachments more than 25 MB.

Makkale! All is just for Anju-rooba-biriyani. Don’t overact. Enjoy ticking vouchers and saravana bhavan filter kaappis.

Saga allakkai,
Arun Ram

Auditor na peria Appatucker huh?

Paavappatta Pannayaru has surplus funds but no time to manage things. So he gave some money to kradhagan kanakku pillai to buy one panni pannai and maintain it. After a year that kanakku is saying that he made a profit of ambathu kasu only through that panni pannai, and showing a Yeskay ruled 96 pages notebook as proof.

Recently that kanakku pillai has bought one Apple iphone 4G and more shockingly 5 kgs of onion for his son appulu’s kaadhu kuthu function! Pannayaru is still using a Nokia 1100 and roaming around giving missed calls to Airtel customer care.

So now Pannayaru is having kuru kuru look on the Van Heusen shirt of kanakku and asking “amma sathiyama ambathu kasu than labama?” Kanakku is promising on his sethu pona paati and her vethala dabba. But Pannayaru is still having doubts.

Now there is one Appatucker in the village. His theerpu giving capacity is approved by a body of Appatuckers. Pannayaru is asking that Appatacker to check, whether what the kanakku says is “Amma sathiyam” or not. Appatacker checks the Yeskay notebook through his allakais and after some thala soriyals found out the following thundu beedi infos.

“Kanakku 5th std  laye  kanakku la  fail  nu  Saroja  miss  sonnanga.  Ivan  pullayoda  school  kanakka  ellam panni pannai note  la  eludhi  loss  nu soldran  rascal ! Amman koil koozhu nu kanakku ezhuthi,  50 thousand aataya pottu, iphone vaangitaan kradhagan. Aatha enna iphone laya pesudhu?”

Terms defined:

  • Pannayaru- Shareholder
  • Panni pannai- Company
  • Kanakku – Management
  • Appatucker – Auditor
  • Allakkais – Audit Assistants
  • Body of Appatuckers – Institute
  • Amma sathiyam – Audit assurance
  • Yeskay 96 page notebook – Books of accounts
  • Thala soriyal fees – Audit fees
  • Thundu beedi infos – Audit evidence
  • Saroja miss’s statement – External evidence
  • Appatucker’s theerpu- Audit opinion
  • Kuru kuru look on Yeskay note- Professional Skeptism

Appatucker’s Theerpu

To Pannayaru,

The preparation of and presentation of Yeskay 60 page notebook is the primary responsibility of kanakku and we are here to just express our theerpu. Our theerpu is based on and subject to the thundu seetugal provided by the kanakku. This theerpu also include a statement on matters specified by YARO 2003. The kanakku has maintained the  kanakku as per his 5th Standard, whereas it needs to be maintained as per Accounting Standards. Hence we are qualifying the report since he’s not qualified.

Conclusion:

Auditor na peria Appatucker dhanda! Enna da pannuveenga?

P.S: If any person feels offended or agitated by this blog, meet me in person. Kaal la vizhundu eppadi kathararen nu mattum paarunga!

Future Appatucker,
Arun Ram.

CA Study Holidays…. Enna Vazhka da idhu!

Once I thought that passing CA Inter without much efforts from my side was aatha’s  arul kadal. But now I’m realizing that it is sani bhagavan’s “ulla-thalli-kadhava-saathu” strategy.

You know when you are going to die, in what phase you are going to die and what is the reason for your death. The time given to pity you or curse your life is called Study holidays.

Due to this reason you will see an abnormal transformation in your thoughts, actions, preferences and lifestyle. I started, listening to spiritual discourses, watching dora bujji, ktv rajkiran movies, and samayal samayal of mallika bhadrinath. Above all I started studying a bit!

 

But always there will be a gleam of hope saying “Evlavo pannitom idha  pannamatoma?” Daily I’ll regret my day for wasting time and will go to “vadapoche mode” and promise on karpooram saying “nalailendhu theeya uzhaikarom, naaya padikkarom!”

I wasted half of my time planning how to study. And remaining half wondering where I went wrong :p. “Idhellam enga urupada podhu” was my aatha’s thalaippu seidhi- daily.

After some 10-15 days I understood that I am in the wrong train and cannot get down. And the train is full of nerds with typical buddi kannadi, breathing in-between pages of books and vomiting formulas. The volume and depth of the subjects made me cry like 5 yr old watching ‘Inception ‘movie without subtitles.

We fought like Anna Hazare for our exam leave in our office. Leave kudu file’a thodu strategy. After getting that successfully we don’t know what to do with it exactly like him.

Funny characters around me:

Bajji barath – He’ll call once in 15 days. Typically he’ll start saying “machi sema plan onnu irukku!” and after that he’ll narrate it with perfect details…. At the end I’ll ask “appo nee idha follow panni rank vangalame!” He’ll reply “nee vangu machi..adhu podhum. Enakku thookam varudhu, apparam pesaren.”

Wat’ra shyam – He called almost daily. We had our polambifying session during that call and before hanging up we’ll say together “nalailendhu thookarom!” After some point of time he changed his preparation strategy by stopping it and visiting temples and doing angapradakshanams. Vevaramana paiyan!

Auto mani – I’ll call him daily to get the motivation. He is like, “why-waste-5 mins-take-your-book-to-the-toilet” types and my big inspiration. He’ll polambify for his saloon visit and wasting 30 mins there. I was wondering how happy I’ll be if I study for that 30 mins and live in saloon for the rest of the day. “Sabba… mudiyala” is his favorite dialogue before ending up the call.

Srinath 420 – He’s a terror guy I say. He’ll call-up for the sole intention of building-up fear in my mind. Srinath na “BAYAM”. He’ll keep on updating his notebook status “Accounts 4 time practice pannitten, Law 6 times revise pannitten, Tax than bayama irukku 2 times than cover pannirukken!” and end up the conversation saying “Ennamachi…pass aavoma?”. Anjaneyarukke vada illena, appo namakku?

Study holidays are great part of my life. Praying that it should not be the longest part. It’s a self-realisation stage. There is only a small difference between a samiyar and CA student. A samiyar will say life or death is a  maya. CA student will say pass or fail is a maya.  I thoroughly enjoyed my study holidays except for a few  hours  of study :p

Kandraviyana karuthugal:

  1. Ishta pattu padicha pass aaga mudiyadhu, kashtapattu padikkanum.
  2. Dhadi valatha mattum pass aaga mudiyadhu, adhoda sethu konjam confidence’um valakkanum.
  3. Padikkatikooda no problem. But revise pannanum. Don’t ask me how.
  4. VAT vattudhu, custom kasta padavekkudhunu punch dialogue lam pesa koodathu.
  5. Plan pannanum aana plan mattum pannakoodathu.
  6. Alava saapadanum… unlimited meals la nalu, anju saapada koodathu.
  7. Padicha mattum poradhu. Padikkadhadha padichamaari nadikkavum seyyanum.
  8. Most important- Indhamari yarachu advise panna kekkanum… poda comedy piece nu thitta koodathu!

All the best! 🙂