Raasi palans and Ramanujam theory explanations

Mesha raasi neyargale!

Sindhu maari badmiton vilayaada poren nu solli kosu bat kaile eduthuttu sandhu sandha suthuveenga! Kutti payyanoda vilayaadi smash adichu yaemathuveenga! Agni veyil le Awesome mausam nu status pottu ellarayum saagadippenga! Mesham -neega romba moasam!

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Rishaba raasi neyargale!

Watsapp group le long’a valmeeki ramayanathaye paste panni saavadippenga. Pazhaya sorukku Pisma filter poduveenga. Fb le selfie updates konjam kammi panna odambukku nalladhu. Online activities naala offline affect aagara chance jaasthi irukku. Rishabam red color bum.

Midhuna raasi neyargale!

Romance mood romba jaastiya kaamippeenga. “Love pannunga sir! wife nalla irukkum” – status update’a pottu suthuveenga. Heart patient maari nejule kai veche suthuveenga. Midhunam – GVM.

Kadaga raasi neyargale!

Piles patient maari yellathukkum koava paduveenga. “Kakkoos le yaen thanni varala? Puli sadhathule yaen puli ille? Kanya kumaari ku yaen sudhandhiram kadaikala” nu stressed aave suthuveenga! Kadagam – cheppal le maatina bubblegum.

Simma raasi neyargale!

Gadget expert nu solli thappu thappa advice kudupeenga! Hotstar le gilma padam varum nu kutti pasangala yaemathuveenga. Perimma phone le memory card slot le Sim card pottu maatipeenga. Simmam romba sremam.

Thula raasi neyargale!

Pulav kum Puli saadhathukkum difference theriyama suthuveenga. Neeya naana gopi nath maari – maathi maathi pesuveenga. RB chowdhri padam Raj tv le potta, kann le thanni vechundruveenga! Kabali rajinikanth maari ore the feelings kaatuveenga. Thulam – Maa tu je salaam.

Vruchiga raasi neyargale!

Computer josiyam, vaastu, raasi palan, blog post nu nanna time waste pannuveenga. Poona kurukka pochu, naai kakka pochu nu sagunam paathu kolveenga! Veetu vasal le, scooterle, cell phone le ellaathulayum elumichampazham thonga viduveenga. Apdiyum onnum urupdaadhu.  Vruchigam – panchangam!

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Dhanusu raasi neyargale!

Blog post ku like, share, retweet laam allum. Comments la “semma mokka” nu vandha kandukaadheenga. Sila kola mirattal kooda varum. Sonna paana maari poite irunga. Dhanusu – Tiramisu. Dhanusu – adichu navuthu.

Magara raasi neyargale!

Velai le veli naadu ille, next theru poara vaaipu kooda ille. Property vaangara alavukku neenga worth ille. Monopoly le Blue set thavara vaera edhuvum kedaikkaadhu. Car, bike laam friend kitta kadan venumna vaangalam. Kaasu kuduthellam vaanga mudiyaadhu. Magaram – romba slow’a nagarum.

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Kumba raasi neyargale!

Kovil le potta seruppu maari lost’a feel pannuveenga. Yaen sogam nu theriyamale sogama iruppenga. Sogama irukkome nu soaga paduveenga. Dhaadi ulle moonjiya olichu vechuttu alaiveenga. Kumbam – Thunbam.

Meena raasi neyargale!

Rajini padam meena maari innocent’ave suthuveenga. Husky voice le asingama paadi ellarayum torture pannuveenga. Click here to get watsapp gold, Share this to get free Onida tv nu spam pottu thaakuveenga. Meenam – Avamaanam

 PS: Kanni raasi neyargale! You will be left out in everything just like how you missed this list. 

Jodhida Jonitha Gandhi,
Arun Ram

 

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How I met your mother on Matrimony site – Season 2

….Contd.  How I met your mother on Matrimony site

Love virus got downloaded and spread throughout my pirated operating system with frequent updates. I saw a different version of myself as in Anniyan movie. Everything seemed beautiful as if god had put Instagram filter on my life. There was this urge to write something in the name of poetry though all I could manage was random words put together without any meaning. Sample below:

Sudha Ragunathan Saree nee,
Aatha kovil Maari nee,
Heart-il odum yaeri nee,
Will you ever marry me?

My friends could not believe that it is me romancing like Justin Bieber and sending selfies on Watsapp. Thank god! I did not send any romantic face selfies on any wrong group, like one of my friends did. All laugh based smileys got used on this group for straight 10 days.

Wifey side arranged a mehendi function where no one was putting mehendi but only mokkai. After eating awesomely arranged snacks and chat varieties that sambhavam happened. Young boys and girls started dancing and compelled me to join as well. I had to use my Mr.Bean dance to make people stop compelling. Shabba!

 

First time facial experience was weird. Their list included all metal based polishes (Platinum to Aluminium) claiming so much money for one face wash. Moonji remained the same. Nothing like Hammam soap.

Inviting 1k relatives is another problem. Some people will take it very serious- the way in which they are invited. You have to visit them, wear their favorite color, sit in their favorite chair and invite. Friends be like “Address and catering name sollu machi!”

My engagement ceremony helped as a rehearsal for camera posing. My close friends used bad words after seeing my Power Star expressions for camera. They decided that I should go through a vigorous Modi-based photo posing training programme.

Pre-wedding photography! I googled before going for photo-shoot and noted few aww-based photos. All I wanted was one Gautam Vasudev Menon film poster but ended up with Mad-max fury poster 😦

Pro-tips from Modi-Posing-Yojana

  1. Smile showing your teeth. When you seal your mouth with m-seal lips, with air inside mouth, it will look like this
  2. Whenever your spouse is giving a good pose, you better look good. It does not matter how horrible you look. it gets printed on album anyway.
  3. When your good looking friend is posing with you, say some gross joke or step on his feet just before the picture is taken
  4. Improve your blink intervals by watching Horror movies or PK movie
  5. The friend you forgot to invite will attend the marriage anyway just to abuse you and your generation while posing. Keep your face fresh during these hard times.

After all these posing and shaking hands with unknown uncles finally you get to taste the food! where our photographer will be waiting and ask for jilebi ootifying pose. One advice – Don’t kill that nice person.

Smile please,
Arun Ram

How I met your mother on matrimony site

One fine day my long lost friend pinged me and was like “Dei! I saw your profile on a Matrimony site! hehe! You are sooo young to get married. My perippa who is 47 years old just got married. My Chithi(37) who got VRS from IOB recently is looking for one!” I replied her saying I am not into it but my parents are forcing me to marry since I look like settled and having no problems. After that, I briefly checked with her about Child Abuse toll free numbers and eligibility.

Actually i was thankful that my father didn’t post an advt. in The Hindu which goes like. “WANTED! Bride from Brahmin educated family, homely, god fearing and cockroach bashing, cultural fit and Fair n lovely kit with good number of selfies urgently!  I nodded to my parents with the sole hope that it will take lot of time to get a girl for me. My usual punch line is ‘Enthiruchu ninna 1.5 kms height da! So finding a girl with approx. 1 km height is tough no?  I strongly believed that I will get married only after Rajini/Kamal stops dancing duets, Shahid Afridi’s final retirement and Vaalu movie release.

She told me that one of her friends is interested in my matrimony profile and checked with her about my personality (lol). I donno why my friend hates me, she told her friend that I am 75 carat gold. I was given her Facebook profile link and Candy Crush game level so that I will get an opinion.

I half-heartedly opened the Facebook profile with mouse pointer almost hovering near close-window button. Then I saw the iPhone of my eyes – Princess Fiona!. I spent the next 1 hour browsing through every picture she has ever uploaded from her childhood. Cute! I audited briefly whether her Profile picture got at least average number of likes and she passed with good margins. I also checked whether she is a member of FB groups like ‘Vijay na mass’, ‘ ‘Power star is cute’, ‘Salman Khan ka banian’ etc and she turned out ok. I immediately called my mother and spoke “friend called. Rajtv la MMKR. One girl. ARR album is out. Semma cute. How is your BP. Check her profile maybe?”

In the next 2 weeks time so many things happened and so many Josiyars got paid. As per the report issued by the Josiyar – Raagu in my 8th kattam and Kethu in her 7th kattam are childhood friends it seems. So they mingle nicely. They put marks for these nowadays. We got eight for ten. That’s the highest ever marks I have got in anything.

At this point, we exchanged our mobile numbers. The next stage of my life is Stare-at-blank-mobile-screen-and-smile-you-won-a-crore Stage. I did many stupid things in this stage like sending her a long “Dummy’s guide on me” mail with usage instructions as if I am an IKEA product to assemble. She sent her Carnatic concert videos which I watched like Christopher Nolan movies pretending like I totally understood. After all these 1. ground –nut roasting 2. mobile charging  3. Blank screen staring and repeating 1-3 for few days, a face-to-face interview was arranged!

My family landed on the venue in a call taxi. All snacks and drinks were kept ready for us. I. met. Her.! We went out and had Chicku milkshake in the nearby Fruitshop. Suddenly all my mokkai talents and cinema references failed. All I managed was staring and religiously slurping of juice. She said she wanted to play a word game. I started sweating already and got reminded of my CA exam days. The game is simple, she said. She will tell a word and I have to reply back with a word that comes to my mind. She has a list of words ready in her phone for this interview! I took my white kerchief out (new one bought for this) and wiped my forehead in frequent intervals. I got reminded of Thiruvilayadal nagesh and shivaji scene.

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She asked life; I replied costing. She asked table, I replied 15% depreciation. She asked government, I replied Macro-Economics. She asked love, I told her that is out of syllabus. From then she started to teach what that word means 😀

Shy is coming,
Arun Ram

How much i love you!

I love you like how Sheldon loves his spot
Let me get my shades, you look blazing hot.

I love you like how TR loves his hair
Your beauty makes me drowsy, let me get a chair.

I love you like, how Sachin loves his bat
Are you a laser beam, my heart chases like a cat?

I love you like how Jerry loves Tom’s cheese
Handle my heart with care, will you please?

I love you like how MJ likes his zippers
You entered my heart, you may now remove your slippers

I love you like how Kejriwal loves his muffler
Why you play with my heart like a shuffler?

I love you like how Modi loves his coat
I am not afraid of waters, your eyes make me float

I love you like how Gollum likes its precious
How you happened to me! Ummachi is gracious

I love you like how my friend likes his milkshake
My heart is malfunctioning, maybe it’s a China-make

I love you like how Simbu likes his finger
Will you grow old with me, my super singer?

I love you darling, I told you so many times
All this is true, because, well… it rhymes.

13 things I wish I knew at 13

Aforizm budet

1. Boy! I know you will be shocked, but it finally turned out that video games are just video games and life is the real one.

2. Fight scenes in tamil movies are sooo dumb. Why you have developed so much interest in munda banian arjun fights only I donno. Grow up man! watch “Super Human Samurai”.

3. Viji miss is not the most beautiful lady in this world. And no, you can’t marry her.

4. Start reading books. Otherwise later in your life all your friends / colleagues will put too much scene about books and you ll be like. “Last English movie which I saw is Sholey”

5. Don’t change your interests like watsapp dps. Stick onto one and give your best. (like LinkedIn dp. No one really changes it)

6. Bro! you got lot of time! Stop throwing stones at dogs and start doing something useful for your life like.. collecting batman stickers

7. Comics are awesome. You are also supposed to read the text which comes in boxes it seems.

8. All girls in your class will add you later to their Facebook irrespective of pencil rubber related fights. So don’t worry 😉

9. Studies are overrated. It’s ok to fail in social science and change the world! (by marking maps wrongly).

10. Your teachers don’t hate you personally. They all work for your good. Hema miss is pure evil.

11. Watching cartoons all the time is so dumb. They are just fictitious characters. You have to be more matured like me now to realise that… only Batman can save the Gotham!

12. Stop mixing Complan/ Horlics power with ghee and eating for time pass. You are not going to get ready made shirts in future

13. You are the dumbest guy in the class. But don’t worry, with age you ll grow to be the dumbest anywhere.

*Points and laughs*
Arun Ram

P.S: This post is written on request *coughs and dies* by my awesome sis Bladenomics. You can read other cool lists here

Appo Adhane?

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I sent her one selfie. She said that the photo background looks amazing. Appo Adhane?

I told her ‘shy is coming’. She told ‘ok then I am going. You two guys have fun’. Appo Adhane?

I challenged her with straight face that she will one day fall for me. She said ‘awwww. You are still a child’. Appo Adhane?

When I flirted with her for half an hour, she said I should really complete my homework before tomorrow’s class. Appo Adhane?

Once when I told her that nowadays I couldn’t eat, sleep or work properly; she recommended her family doctor. Appo Adhane?

When I told her my food preferences, she accepted without any inhibition that I have many things in common with her…. dog. Appo Adhane?

When I showed her one of my latest cartoon, she told me my handwriting is really bad. Appo Adhane?

One evening when I asked her out, she told me with care and affection that I should eat and go to bed early so that I can be fresh at work next morning. Appo Adhane?

When I asked her whether I look like Vijay or Thala, she told me I look like Thalaivasal Vijay. Appo Adhane?

When I asked her whether she will give life for me, she quickly opened her mobile phone and sent me a Candy Crush life. Appo Adhane?

When I took her to a stand-up comedy show and told my love while returning, she told me that I am the best. Appo Adhane?

When I told her there should not be any secrets between us, she introduced me to her boyfriend. Appo Adhane?

Adhu illaya?
Arun Ram

Hello Dubai huh?

You know what? I am a foreigner. Cool right? It’s very hot in Dubai but yeah. Actually hotness doesn’t matter if whole day you are going to be inside air conditioned office taking photocopies of your boss’s expense claims.

 So I got internal job posting to Dubai. These internal job postings are awesome. You are effectively changing job while retaining your official mail id and office stationary. How cool is that? – refer first para. But a tiny bit of problem is that you cannot write ‘ Handled strategic projects which enhanced intrinsic value of the enterprise and empowered women of India’ in your resume. Because the new boss has already seen you booking IRCTC tickets in office hours.

I think there is a code or something that whenever someone in family is going abroad the uncle dudes who visited that place should tell him everything about their visit to that place. So after listening to those “when I was in Dubai” references and Vadivel comedy sequences, I got huge expectations for this place. So I was super exited and landed in Dubai like in the below photo.

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The flight landed straight in the parking place of a huge mall, which later I realized as an Airport. Immediately after landing, I did what each proud Indian will do while landing in a foreign soil. I took selfies, standing before foreign figures, cars and trash cans. After all, life is all about posting Facebook photos with exotic foreign backgrounds.

It didn’t take me long to fall in love with this place. Hairy mallu uncles, foreign figures, hairy mallu uncles, skyscrapers, hairy mallu uncles, automatic metro trains… this place is awesome! Best of the world’s minds worked to build this city. These dudes can make anything artificially if it is not available naturally. Dubai has artificial snow, artificial lakes, artificial humans, artificial islands, even artificial smiles! (OK. All places have it). Though the Arabic language seemed to be always cussing my grandfather unnecessarily, I started liking it lately. I learned this one word “Eghlaaq al-abwaab” from my metro travel which I proudly utter before any Arab colleagues I come across. Apparently that phrase means ‘doors closing’ and those Arab colleagues were like ‘abeyaar! pagal hei kya? Hindi mein bolo na!’.

Dubai is a happening city, awesome structures (buildings) and all that. But but… missing Chennai already.

Eghlaaq al-abwaab
Arun Ram